How to Spot Unhealthy Friendships and Find Your Way Out, According to Experts

There are few things as comforting as finding a friend who truly understands you—a person you can laugh with during tough times, who encourages you to grow, and who offers unwavering support as you navigate the ups and downs of life. But not every friendship lives up to this ideal. Sometimes, what starts as a promising connection gradually turns sour, leaving you doubting yourself, feeling belittled, or weighed down by negativity.

If you notice that your interactions with a friend are causing more stress than happiness, it could be a sign the relationship has become toxic. Toxic friendships are often just as harmful as toxic romantic relationships, especially when they involve people you've trusted deeply over time. As clinical psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, explains, these unhealthy friendships might harm you emotionally as much as any romantic entanglement could.

While every toxic friendship is unique, many share a common feature: you feel upset or anxious whenever you interact with or even think about this person. This emotional disturbance might show up as feelings of sadness, nervousness, guilt, or shame. Sometimes, the impact is so physical that you get headaches, stomachaches, or other bodily discomfort when you're around them.

Early on, toxic friendships might not seem problematic, as friendships often begin with a 'honeymoon period' where everyone behaves their best. However, as time passes and comfort grows, unhealthy behaviors can emerge or intensify. When you allow toxic actions to go unchallenged, you inadvertently signal that such treatment is acceptable. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

Physical and emotional exhaustion is another key indicator. If you find yourself feeling drained, reluctant to answer calls, or dreading get-togethers with this friend, it's worth reflecting on whether the friendship is bringing joy or just stress into your life.

Trust is essential for any valuable friendship. If you catch yourself doubting whether your friend truly has your back, that’s a red flag. You might also notice how they speak about others; while occasional criticism is natural, sliding into mean-spirited jokes or cruelty indicates a deeper issue.

Competition between friends can also undermine a relationship. It’s normal to feel a pang of jealousy now and then, especially if your lives are running parallel in similar careers or family situations. But when you constantly feel like you’re in a battle to come out on top, it might mean the friendship isn’t as healthy as it should be.

Another subtle sign is how a toxic friend’s behavior influences you. Perhaps you find yourself adopting negative habits like gossiping, drinking excessively, or communicating in passive-aggressive ways that don’t reflect your usual character. They might also cause embarrassing or difficult situations when you're out together, leaving you to make excuses for their behavior.

Being entangled in a toxic friendship can seriously impact your mental health, driving your body into a state of heightened stress. This ongoing tension creates an atmosphere that’s anything but relaxing, often leading to anxiety or depression that can spill over into your work, sleep, and overall daily life.

Moreover, when friends constantly criticize or put you down, it chips away at your self-esteem, making you question your worth. The more you stay exposed to such negativity, the louder your inner critic grows. Over time, you might start internalizing their hurtful remarks, feeling less valued and struggling to maintain confidence in yourself.

If you're contemplating ending a toxic friendship, it’s a good idea to get perspectives from people you trust to confirm your feelings about the relationship. When you decide to have a conversation about stepping back or cutting ties, being direct but gentle is key. Express your feelings honestly without blaming, such as saying, 'My priorities are shifting, and I won’t be able to spend as much time together.'

Sometimes, toxic friends might react with anger or try to push back, but staying firm and respectful about your boundaries is crucial. If the conversation becomes too heated or unproductive, it’s okay to end contact and protect your well-being. Remember, you don’t owe anyone an ongoing explanation once you’ve made your feelings clear.

If you believe the friendship is worth salvaging, setting boundaries is your best bet. Address problematic behaviors calmly and choose a good time to talk. Try saying things like, 'I really appreciate our friendship, but it hurts me when you’re often late because it feels like my time isn’t valued.' Constantly enforcing your boundaries and encouraging open dialogue can sometimes help heal and strengthen the bond. However, if your friend dismisses your concerns or refuses to change, it may be time to move on for your own health and peace.